The Best Way To Feel Calm (Is to Not Try To Feel Calm) - 10% Happier with Dan Harris Recap

Podcast: 10% Happier with Dan Harris

Published: 2026-02-20

Duration: 21 min

Summary

Dan Harris discusses the misconception that meditation should make us feel calm and how to navigate emotional pain during meditation. He emphasizes the importance of relating to our thoughts and emotions differently rather than forcing calmness.

What Happened

In this episode, Dan Harris dives deep into how to meditate effectively, especially when facing serious emotional pain. He begins by addressing a common struggle many face: the desire to feel calm during meditation. Dan argues that feeling calm shouldn't be the primary goal of meditation; instead, it's about learning to sit with our emotions and thoughts without judgment. He introduces insights from meditation teacher Henry Schookman, who encourages listeners to identify the part of themselves that feels the need to control their emotional state, likening it to an inner CEO or hall monitor.

Harris emphasizes that when we meditate, it's natural for powerful emotions and thoughts to surface, and rather than trying to push them away, we should acknowledge their presence. He shares practical tips on how to navigate these feelings, such as using mental noting to create distance from ruminating thoughts and bringing mindfulness to the emotions we experience. By embracing this mindful approach, we can learn to relate to our emotions in a way that allows for growth and understanding, ultimately transforming our meditation practice into a tool for better emotional regulation.

Key Insights

Key Questions Answered

How can I meditate when dealing with emotional pain?

Dan suggests that when facing emotional pain, it's crucial to acknowledge rather than suppress those feelings. He highlights the importance of learning to relate differently to our minds, emphasizing that it's okay to feel sadness or loneliness while meditating. Instead of trying to push these emotions out, we should recognize them as a natural part of our experience.

What should I do if I can't stop ruminating during meditation?

Harris recommends using mental noting as a strategy to create distance from ruminating thoughts. By simply noting 'thinking' or 'planning,' you can observe the process of your thoughts without getting caught up in their content. This technique helps you become aware of your thought patterns and allows for a more mindful meditation experience.

Why is feeling calm not the goal of meditation?

Dan explains that the goal of meditation is not necessarily to achieve a state of calm but to develop a non-judgmental awareness of whatever emotions and thoughts arise. By understanding that feelings are transient and can be worked with, we can navigate our emotional landscape more effectively during meditation.

How can I deal with loneliness while meditating?

When addressing feelings of loneliness, Harris encourages practitioners to investigate the emotional experience physically. By focusing on where the emotion manifests in the body, one can cultivate a sense of awareness that allows for a healthier engagement with these difficult feelings during meditation.

What does it mean to relate differently to our emotions?

Relating differently to our emotions involves recognizing their impermanence and understanding that they do not define us. Dan Harris emphasizes the importance of viewing emotions as processes rather than fixed states, which can help in managing powerful feelings and lead to a more compassionate relationship with oneself.